- At 10:03 AM Friday December 21, Jasper entered the Sanonte police station. He told the receptionist who he was, and showed her his Emergency Medical Services ID and asked, "Could I get the last name of the female that was in the car accident that happened early Wednesday morning, the 19th?"
- Ruth looked at him. "Why?"
- "I need her name for my ambulance run-report form." He handed her the form and pointed at the empty, ‘LAST NAME’ line.
- Ruth looked at the form. "Her first name isn’t on the form."
- "It’s Pearl."
- Ruth showed the form back to Jasper and pointed at the ‘POLICE ACCIDENT NUMBER’ line. "All you need on this form is the police accident number, and you’ve already got that."
- "Yeah... uh, I guess it’s a new rule or something."
- "You don’t need her name, just the accident number."
- "Yeah, but my boss said I had to fill in all the lines. So, I need her last name."
- "Did - You - Not - Hear - Me?"
- Jasper’s anus tightened. "But..."
- Ruth handed the form back to Jasper, then handed him a business card. "There’s my name and number. Now! Go back to wherever you came from, and have your boss call me."
- "I don’t want to go there, it’s Friday, it’s my day off."
- "Then have a nice day. Goodbye!"
- Jasper had run head-on into Ruth, one of Sanity’s immoveable-objects. She could be classified as an irresistible-force because she was immense, three-chins of fat.
- Jasper sat in his old pickup, and pondered his next destination, while he waited for the defroster to clear the fog from the windshield.
- Late Saturday evening, Ruth baked six German Chocolate cakes which didn’t turn out well. Sunday Ruth didn’t go to church, instead she baked twenty-four, single-serving, English-style pork-pies. The cakes and pies were for her church’s Christmas Eve bake sale, held immediately after the candlelight Christmas carol sing-along. She was going to bake Devil’s Food cakes but that didn’t seem to be religiously-correct as birthday cakes for Jesus.
- Sunday morning, Jasper handed the ambulance run-report form to his boss, Lou.
- Lou glanced at the form and pointed to the empty ‘LAST NAME’ line. "You missed her last name."
- Jasper’s anus tightened. "The receptionist at the police station wouldn’t give it to me."
- "Why not?"
- "She said all I needed was the police accident number."
- Lou scowled! "Who the hell is she to tell us what to put on our forms!"
- Jasper’s anus tightened even more, he shrugged. "I don’t know. That’s what she said, just the number."
- "Go back there and get the last name!"
- "It’s closed."
- Lou glared at Jasper, "Police stations don’t close."
- "The reception area does on weekends, it’s a cost cutback, budget crunch thing."
- "Why didn’t you fill out this thing Wednesday or Thursday, why did you wait?"
- Jasper’s anus was so tight that if he farted, the note would be so high-pitched only dogs could hear it.
- "If the report ain’t filed in five days, we can’t bill the client. Go back tomorrow. Get the name!"
- "It’s close Monday, and Tuesday too... for Christmas." Jasper handed Ruth’s business card to Lou.
- Lou looked at the card. "Only her work number on this thing. Closed my ass! I’ll call her at home."
- Jasper’s anus loosened. "I’ve got to go to the bathroom."
- The yellow wall-phone rang in Ruth’s kitchen. Myrtle Bingham’s bulldog, Daphne, barked at the noisy thing on the wall. Myrtle shushed Daphne. "Hello, Ruth Bingham’s residence, Myrtle speaking."
- "Uh... hello, this is Louis Scotch. May I talk to Ruth please?"
- "She’s busy. Can it wait? "
- "It’s a police matter about a car accident."
- "OH MY!" Daphne sensed Myrtle’s alarm and barked.
- Myrtle yelled to Ruth, who was in the bathroom. "Sis! There a man wants to talk about a police matter."
- After washing her hands Ruth answered the phone. "Hello."
- Lou explained who he was, and that the ambulance run-report form must have all lines completely filled in and also it must be filed within five days, and he needed the woman’s last name. "The company changed its policy and all forms must have full names on them to be legal."
- Ruth looked at the six lopsided German chocolate cakes, as Lou talked. She hadn’t begun her baking until late Saturday evening. She baked six bottom layers, placed each bottom on a piece of cardboard covered with waxed paper, then baked six top layers, spread frosting on the bottoms, set the tops in place, and frosted the tops and sides, and then went to bed. They weren’t lopsided when she went to bed. But the tops were still warm and the heat melted the frosting and the tops slid off to one side.
- Lou repeated what he thought was an irresistible-force. "So again, to be legal, the form must have a full name." That was a lie.
- Ruth hesitated a few seconds. "Well, in that case. I have a PC here at home that I can use to access police information. But I can’t give out police information over the phone." That was a lie.
- "OK, I’ll send Jasper out there."
- "Tell him, don’t let the cat in."
- Ruth’s message wasn’t heard by Lou. He missed it because he had already moved the phone away from his ear.
- Jasper hurried up the sidewalk toward Ruth’s porch to avoid getting wet from the drizzle. A Calico Cat paced back and forth on the porch. It rubbed its tail against the brass plate on the bottom of the Ruth’s front door. It meowed at him when he shook the water off his cap. He knocked on the door. The cat stopped pacing and sat next to the door. They waited. The lock on the front door clicked. Myrtle opened the door and looked at Jasper’s bushy handlebar mustache, Daphne did the same. Out of the corner of Daphne’s eye, she saw the Calico Cat zip through the open doorway. Daphne barked and chased the feline intruder toward the kitchen. The two animals had never been friends.
- "Here comes CC and Daphne!" Myrtle yelled to Ruth at about the same time both animals reached the kitchen.
- Ruth waddled as fast as she could toward the back door. Daphne and CC began to lap the kitchen like it was a NASCAR racetrack. CC was a skinny Calico Cat owned by a fat woman. Daphne was a fat bulldog owned by a skinny woman. They were on their second lap around the kitchen by the time Ruth got her immense body to the back door and opened it. CC raced out the door, Ruth shut the door, Daphne skidded into the door. The race was over.
- Myrtle closed the front door behind Jasper and stared at his mustache again. "Hairy."
- "No, my name’s Jasper."
- Ruth entered the living room. Daphne followed her, and barked at Jasper. Myrtle pointed at Daphne then to a chair. Daphne followed Myrtle’s hand signals. She was glad to sit on the chair and recover from the ordeal of eliminating cats from the house.
- Ruth folded her arms and looked at Jasper. "You let the cat in."
- Jasper shrugged.
- "I told your boss to tell you not to let the cat in."
- "He didn’t say nothing about a cat."
- "He didn’t?"
- "No."
- Ruth looked at Jasper. "Do you know how to bake?"
- "I eat pizzas mostly, I bake them."
- "How about cakes, know anything about baking cakes?"
- "No."
- Ruth gestured for him to follow her into the kitchen.
- Daphne panted for air and didn’t follow them.
- In the kitchen, Ruth pointed at the six lopsided German chocolate cakes. "You let the cat in. The dog chased the cat. They bumped into the cakes, now look at them, they’re lopsided, they’re ruined. I can’t sell them like that at the church bake sale. Your boss owns me for the cakes, they’ve eight dollars each."
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- That's the latest from Sanonte, or Sanity
- G, December 23, 2007
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