- Merry 2007 Christmas, from Sanonte, Washington.
(pronounced locally as - Sanity, no joke)
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- The "Home of the Fern Farm", that’s what the city-limit sign boasts. Also, it says the population is 8270. The count didn’t go up after I moved here, maybe somebody left, or died.
- As I write this, I remember the initial culture shock I felt when I moved here in ‘01. The greater Dallas/Fort Worth metroplex, D/FW, has a population of 5+ million, the entire state of Washington has less.
- A few Sundays ago, December 2nd, I walked to Cuck’s Bar & Grill in downtown Sanonte to watch that weekend’s rerun of a NASCAR race.
- As you might imagine, The bar’s sign is a frequent target of a one-letter name change by high-school boys. Cuck, died last summer from a heatstroke, he was born in Browerville, Alaska. His headstone hasn’t received the same attention as his bar’s sign. Maybe a benevolent spirit has protected the granite monument, or maybe the high-school boys still have limits in this small town.
- I sold my TV when I retired and move here. On weekends I go to Cuck’s to get my TV-fix. My doctor said I need to walk for exercise. Cuck’s is about a mile and a half away.
- I have type-2 diabetes, so I don’t/shouldn’t drink anything alcoholic. Pete, the hawk-nosed bartender, mixes a VBBM for me. That’s a Virgin-Beer-Bloody-Mary, with long skinny sticks of carrot and celery as the drink’s garbage. It’s twelve-ounces of non-alcoholic beer, and four-ounces of Mr. & Mrs. T’s Bloody-Mary mix, the original flavor, not the spicy.
- The drinks are normally $5.00 but Pete only charges me a $1.00. I think he likes to have a non-drunk to talk to, and I’m the only one in the bar that stays sober on Sundays, or any other day, or night.
- That Sunday morning, Pete turned on the bar’s, not-so wide-screen TV. Instead of the usual clear cable picture, he got a scrambled mess of bouncing zig-zag lines. Pete had been late paying the cable bill.
- Standing on a three-step stool to reach the TV, Pete pushed the channel-select buttons. Only the ON/OFF button works on the remote, ever since it was dropped in the nacho cheese sauce, and all the insides got gunked-up.
- Pete said he remembered he could tune-in a regular TV broadcast that wasn’t blocked by the surrounding mountains. He finally got a snowy picture from a PBS station in Seattle.
- I silently rejoiced. I’ll admit it, I’m a TV snob, I love PBS. I forgot all about NASCAR and thought, "Ah! Cultural TV!"
- The PBS station was showing a documentary about the mating practices of jungle animals in South America and Africa. A solid hour of Parana fish mating, giant pythons mating, tigers mating, parrots mating, elephants mating, gazelles mating.
- Immediately after the TV show ended, all the bar’s patrons raced for the door, excusing themselves saying they were going home and talk with their wives or girlfriends.
- After the rapid exodus, sitting next to me was Doug, an ex-mill worker, but since his divorce, he was just another Sanonte-drunk.
- He mumbled, "I’m gonna call Betty", then he blinked a few times and re-mumbled, "I mean, call Pearl".
- He began a rambling conversation as he patted his pockets for his cell phone. The conversation was one of those bare-all things that only drunks and Californians feel open enough to have.
- Betty is Doug’s ex-wife. Pearl is one of Sanonte’s three quick-date gals. Pearl became the un-named central character, during Betty and Doug’s courtroom divorce drama.
- The three quick-date gals, rent some rooms above the VFW hall. There’s a small brass plaque on the door, it reads, "YOU PAY, YOU STAY".
- Please don’t assume I know about the plaque because I made a personal visit to the rooms above the VFW hall - Doug told me.
- He said that last Christmas three men from the east, brought the quick-date gals presents of frankincense, myrrh, and the brass plaque.
- I thought, "three men from the east", about 42 miles east I’ll bet. Three politicians from Olympia, Washington’s state capital.
- This Christmas, Doug said he plans to give Pearl, and only Pearl, a Christmas present. It’s a one-year pre-paid contract for home delivery and pick up, of all-natural cotton dippers.
- Pearl is pregnant, she’s huge, and she’s due sometime in late December or early January.
- Doug said he’s a little puzzled about Pearl’s ‘situation’. He said, "Pearl’s been careful, very, very careful. She’s claims she’s never had a date without a premium-quality condom, which she personally puts on, and takes off of every date."
- His eyes got a little glassy, maybe from the booze, or maybe from a memory, he said, "I just laid back and she..."
- He stopped there, then mumbled, "Let’s just say, I can personally certify her claims."
- Only drunks and Californians feel open enough to say things like that. Doug isn’t from California, he’s a drunk from Sanonte with absolutely zero self-esteem. He’s like the TV remote, all gunked-up inside, his self-esteem button doesn’t work.
- He said that early last summer, Pearl exposed all her intimate details to Dr. Rasher, who is an immigrant to Sanonte from West Virginia, a Baptist, and male.
- Apparently, Dr. Rasher looked at a calendar, counted off nine months, tapped his finger on December 25th and said, "So, you’re somewhat like Mary, you’re pregnant and the true father is, in your case, completely unknown. How interesting."
- The next day, Pearl changed doctors, she called Dr. Chin, who is an immigrant to Sanonte from China, a Buddhist, and female. Instead of Dr. Rasher’s drug regiment to control birth pain, they’re discussing acupuncture.
- Doug said, he isn’t in favor of drugging the mother and therefore drugging the baby, through the placenta, but he’s trying to talk Pearl out of acupuncture.
- He said he wanted to be with her in the delivery room but seeing needles, even tiny acupuncture needles, enter her flesh would make him pass out.
- He stopped patting his pockets for his cell phone, eased off his barstool, steadied himself, then staggered out of Cuck’s Bar, and turned left toward the VFW hall.
- Pete got back up on three-step stool and adjusted the TV. He said the he had called the cable company, and they said the service should be turned back on by Monday.
- I looked around the empty bar, then toward the TV. The picture was less snowy after Pete’s adjustment. The next show on the PBS station was Puccini’s opera "Turandot".
- Doug should have stayed at Cuck’s and watched it. It’s a love story based on a man’s bold love for a princess, and as a kicker, it had English subtitles.
- In the past I would have stayed and watched it, but instead I thanked Pete, paid him for the drinks, and left.
- When I stepped out of Cuck’s B&G, an odd warm humid winter-wind slapped me on the back. In a few hours the wind would become the colossal record-setting storm of early December ‘07. It would rip the roof off of the VFW hall, and that would change everything.
- As I walked home, I wondered if I had changed, during the last six years from a, D/FW metroplex, PBS opera watching, snob, to a Sanonte "home-of-the-fern-farm", NASCAR rerun watching, barstool warmer?
- By the time I got home, the wind was stronger, it pounded me on the back. I realized that I had changed and I was glad. I realized that small-town life has it’s own true cultural rewards, and personal joys, and calamities.
- The storm would be a calamity, it would knock down miles of power lines, and Pete’s TV cable, and smash buildings, and cause the rivers to overflow their banks.
- Last Thursday, December 13th, Sanonte’s strip-mall was powered back up and Wal-Mart was open.
- I met Pearl at McDonald’s inside Wal-Mart. She squeezed mustard on her French fries then sprinkled on plain M&M’s. She’s very pregnant, and she’s from California, and the conversation was very open.
- She told me that Doug was her baby’s father, and she knew he loved her, and she loved him. She said that last summer Doug told her, "I melt when I see you. I love you. But only a miracle could make me feel man-enough to ask you to marry me."
- Both Pearl and I think the miracle has two parts. The storm ripped the roof off the VFW hall and flooded Pearl’s apartment, and also the quick-date gal’s place-of-business.
- Pearl had no place to live or work. Doug offered her an unused bedroom, and she accepted. Part one was complete.
- We think the second part of the miracle will be eight pounds of baby, and Doug will feel man-enough to pop the question. She said that when he did, she would have to tell him that her real name wasn’t Pearl. It was about as physically far away from a pearl as it could be.
- She smiled and said, "My real name is Angel."
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- Merry Christmas from Sanonte, or Sanity.
- G, December 17, 2007
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